Out of Sanity
by anundecidedteen
Summary: It's hard to not hate yourself, when you know that everything you are doing is bad, is wrong, and yet you can't stop yourself as you spiral out of control, out of sanity


**Okay, this was originally going to be a multichapter, but I realized that what I had in mind wasn't enough for a plot, and it was going to be a little too graphic for my innocent mind *cough* Anyways, so it is now a one shot, sorry if I disappointed anyone.**

**Sequel is posted. "Feigned In-Sanity"**

* * *

**"I'm getting married."**

She paused in the middle of dressing and turned her head slightly towards the man lying spread eagle on the bed behind her, not caring that nothing was covering him. "Oh." Her reply sounded politely interested. He shifted his eyes over to her figure as she began dressing once more. Once clothed, she turned fully and looked at him with hard eyes. "I thought I told you that this wasn't going to happen when you were in a relation ship."

"_When you were in a relationship." _

Because she never was in one, the last time she tried that it had ended up badly.

_She shut the door with a smile on her face, the date had gone well, and he had even brought her flowers. She smiled down at the orange daisies. They reminded her of springtime and renewal. As she turned to go find a vase in the kitchen, she was knocked against the wall. _

_Angry and surprised, she glared at whoever it was that was pinning her to the wall, about to kick their ass, but she paused upon seeing his furious face so close to her own. "What are you doing here?"_

"_What were __**you**__ doing?" She huffed and diverted her gaze. "I was on a date." She turned her scornful gaze back at him. "You should know what they are, you have been on enough." Her reproachful face transformed into one of surprise once more as she gasped when he lifted her off the ground and pinned her to the wall with his body._

"_But why, do you like being a whore?" Angered once more, she pushed him away with chakra induced strength._

"_I am not a whore; it was just a date!"_ _She stomped passed him and slammed the flowers, now not nearly as pleasing, on the counter as she headed to her room. Undeterred, he followed. "You are a piece of work you know that?" She continued ranting as she threw her bag into the corner and stood there yelling at him. "How is it you get to be the man-whore of the village, I'm surprised you're not riddled with STD's by now, and yet you get mad at me going on one simple date!" _

_He flashed before her, grabbed her wrist, spun her around and pushed her into the wall again. "Why do you want to go on a date? They lead to other things." She laughed harshly at him. "Why do you go on dates? I want to get married someday. To a real man too." He understood the slight and pushed into her some more, aware that he could feel what he thought about that. _

_She huffed in amusement. "What? You think that fucking me proves that you are a man? I need more than a small dick in life." Small dick? He ripped her from the wall until they were in front of the full-length mirror that stood in the corner of her bedroom. He still held her hands behind her as he watched her watch him in the glass._

"_Do you know what that is?" She remained silent._

"_Do you know what I see?" She shrugged. "A psychotic male?" He chuckled as he ran his hand down her front and into her shorts, which were especially short today, so she could show off her toned legs to the dumb civilian boy. "I see…" He trailed off as he slipped a finger inside of her and she gasped, watching what he was doing to her in the mirror. "A whore." She didn't respond as her head lulled back onto his shoulder. He pushed her pants down her thighs, and released himself so he could push into her. "Open your eyes, watch." She pushed her head forward so she could watch them in the glass. "Watch as I fuck you." _

_It was not gentle, but she liked it rougher. Watching the interaction was turning her on, he could tell by how wet she was, but pretty soon he grew bored with it, and in one quick motion turned them around and pushed her onto the bed before crawling over her and entering again._

_On her knees, she was able to spread her legs wider for better access as he bent over her and thrust in, his one hand gripping the headboard to steady himself as he played with her with his other hand. Her moans grew louder, and she wrapped her hands around his wrist as he went deeper, harder. _

"_Ah, ah, no t-too hard." He wrapped his arm around her torso as he slowed slightly. As much as they were together, she still couldn't take it too much._

_After they had finished, he rose to get dressed. She watched him with sleepy eyes. "Ne, you don't really think of me as a whore do you?" He spared her a glance as he continued on with his search for his shirt. "Do you really think I have a small dick?" She smiled and turned onto her back. "Well I don't know, I haven't seen many." He rolled his eyes as he finally found his shirt tangled in one of the sheets on the floor. _

_When he left, she contemplated on how he liked dirty talk. Who would have thought? _

After that incident, she didn't go on anymore dates, and her truthfulness kept her from being unfaithful with him at the expense of one of his many girlfriends. This annoyed but made him respect her even more.

"I wasn't in a relationship with her, and she is pregnant." She nodded her head, seemingly uncaring. He narrowed his eyes at her. "Who is it?" She went around straightening the room."

"Harumi." He caught her smile. She had liked her when he had dated her. The curly blonde was sweet and kind. They had gotten along really well, and she had been upset upon hearing that he had broken up with her. It was for a different reason then the norm of her refusing to let him touch her if he was committed. No, it was because she was unstable.

_He strode purposefully down the sterile hallway, not bothering to ask which room was hers since the Hokage was standing in front of the door, waiting. He did not show the concern he felt when he saw the blonde's worried gaze. "What happened?" He had only been given the bare minimum when summoned. The chocolate eyes regarded him in an unnerving way, as if she was measuring him. _

"_She attempted suicide." The news was shocking, but he only nodded. She looked through the window into the room. Before continuing. "She needs to be watched, it is clear that she is depressed, but I didn't think that it was this bad." The woman cleared her throat that had thickened her last couple of words. _

_He understood; he hadn't known either. "Anyways, I made the assumption that you would be willing to do it since…" She trailed off; they both knew what she was talking about. "Ah." He nodded in the affirmative and then stepped into the room. She was staring outside of the window, but he knew she was aware of him._

"_You are moving in with me." She turned to look at him with red eyes. It was obvious she had been crying. "What about Harumi?"_

"_She understands the situation." She stared at him for a moment before returning her gaze to the window. "You don't have to break up with her just because of me." Her voice was soft, and he knew it only got like that when she was sad. No, he didn't have to, but he couldn't tell her that they had actually broken up the week before because he was missing her touch because, well, that would be revealing too much. So he settled for the stubborn noncommittal. _

"_Hn."_

_She had lived with him for a hellish two months. She hardly ate. "I'm not hungry." She wasn't allowed to train, but she didn't have the feeling to do it anyways. She just shuffled around his apartment in utter depression, and it angered him. He would snap on her, but she never fought back. She would just shrug and then turn away muttering, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." _

_At night, he would open her door and slide into bed with her because after the first three nights, he was tired of hearing her cry._

_After two months, she had turned around and faced him. She wasn't crying, but she stared at him for a while and he stared back._

"_Fuck me." If he was a lesser person, he would have choked on his own spit._

"_What?" She had not asked this before, and he had never initiated anything, in all of the nights that he had crawled in with her. "I want you to fuck me." The way she said it was so detached, cold. It was nothing like when they were in the heat of the moment._

"_No." Her face betrayed her anger._

"_Why not? You've done it before."_

"_Because you're not stable."_

"_So, I'm asking you." He bristled. How dare she ask this? How was he supposed to get pleasure from her when even the notion of doing that to her in this state sickened him._

"_I'm not going to take advantage of you."_

"_You're not, I'm offering."_

"_I can't when you can hardly think for yourself because you are so deep in self-pity!" He immediately regretted his words when her face changed from shocked, to sad, to angry in less than three seconds. "Get out." Her gritted words sent him out of the door with a glare._

_The next day, after a mission, he came home to the feeling that something wasn't right. He found her in the bathroom, about to push the empty syringe into her arm. That's when he became pissed. _

_He ripped the tool away from her, threw it somewhere over his shoulder, and tugged her out of the bathroom and threw her onto the bed. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She had started crying, "What do you mean what is wrong with me? I don't want to be here, there is nothing left here! I want to die!" _

"_So you're just going to leave me all alone!" She sniffed and looked away. "You have other women. I've got no one." He felt something shatter within himself. She didn't think she could count on him. He panted for a few moments before he tried a different approach._

"_Do you think Naruto would want you to do this?" He heard her breath stop._

"_What?"_

"_Do you think Naruto would want to look down from where ever he is and see you like this? Do you think this is what he sacrificed himself for?" He could tell he got to her because she just looked down at her lap and cried silently. A few moments later she looked up at him. "I guess not." _

"_Then why do you keep on insisting on throwing your life away?" She just shook her head. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair before he turned around and locked the bathroom door from the inside so she couldn't get in. Turning back he announced, "I have a mission, I'll be back later." When she didn't respond, he left with a slam of her door. _

_Coming home late that night, he slowly creaked the door open to find her asleep. Carefully crawling in behind her, he saw that she had showered while he was away: her hair was still slightly damp. Scooting closer, he inhaled her scent deeply and realized that she smelled like home. _

_It was the smell that soothed him and made him feel at peace. He felt her turn around and opened his eyes to stare into her clear green ones. She was different, he could sense it, but he didn't let the bubble of hope get too big. "I'm sorry." He decided that he had already forgiven her, but she continued. "You are right; I shouldn't try to take my life when Naruto had helped protect me. I had a dream about him when you left, and I think I'm going to be okay." _

_He swallowed, thinking before voicing his suggestion. "You said you didn't have anything to live for." He trailed off before continuing. "Well, what if I could give you something?" She blinked at him, and then looked down at the hand that was resting on her tummy. _

_And then she broke out into laughter. Scowling, he removed his hand. She looked over at him with a real smile. "I said I think I'm going to be okay, not that I'm all better."_

He sighed and sat up to begin dressing after she exited the room. To get something to eat, he assumed.

That wasn't the only time he had proposed to her. The second time had been a few weeks later, after she had gone back to work, but she was still staying with him. He didn't want to let her go just yet.

_She was doing dishes while he sat at the table reading the scroll. She broke the relative silence too soon for his liking. "Ino invited me for a visit, so I'm going in two days." _

_Ino had moved two years ago to a small village about a day's walk from Kohona with her husband. She had given up her shinobi life for one of the standard house-wife. _

He smirked remembering the night of Ino's wedding. That was when their complex relationship started. She wanted comforting because her best friend was leaving and Kakashi had gone DIA a few months before that; that was a nightmare.

_He sprinted after her after he had delivered the news. She streaked into the Hokage's room, he had sprinted in after to find her screaming at the three ANBU in the room. "You just left him! You let him die! You scum he would never have done that to you! You bastards!" _

_Naruto had pulled her back in hysterics and she clung to him desperately all night long._

So, she filled the hole of loneliness by resorting to him, not that he was complaining.

"_Hey, where is your girlfriend?" He shrugged, "Don't have one." She stared at him for a few moments._

"_Walk me home." Her demand had him raising his brow. "Don't you remember the last time I walked you home?" That was the first time they ever did anything, and afterwards, she didn't speak to him for, well actually this was the first time she had spoken to him voluntarily. She raised her own brow. "Yes, now are you coming or not." She stood up and walked away. He followed, and was hooked. _

It was casual at first, just a few times every couple of months, but soon it became a frequent addiction that he just couldn't shake. It was crazy. They would sneak quickies on missions when everyone else was asleep, on training grounds, at both their houses, once at Naruto's, in public places. His favorite was when she sucked him off at the hospital after he had been gone on a long mission.

The whole time, no one could know, and that just made it better. When a teammate would be sleeping two feet away, and she would be moving over him, the light of the fire dancing over her naked chest as she struggled to contain her moans.

"_Oh, yes."_

He loved it.

"_I'll go with you." She stopped washing a plate and turned to look at him incredulously. "I'm a big girl, I can handle myself." He shrugged. "You haven't trained in a while, how can you be so sure?" _

"_You're an ass." She turned around and began the dishes again._

Fully clothed, he stepped into the bathroom to wash his face.

_On the way, they stopped beside the road to have the lunch she packed. He couldn't stop looking at her as she laid peacefully in the grass beside him, her white and red pok-a-dotted, spring dress making her look extra tantalizing. Without much thought, he scooted down so he was lying on his side beside her and kissed her lips thoroughly as he ran his hand up and down her side. _

_It didn't take long till that hand was traveling up the skirt of her dress to pull her panties down. She grabbed his wrist. "Stop, what if someone sees?" He continued his ministrations. "I don't care." It was thrilling to finally be in her again after all those months. He slowly rocked against her as her legs tightened around him and her moans got louder. He kissed everything he could reach: her checks, her neck, her eyelids, and her forehead. It was the best show to see her cum again and again and again as he kept his steady rhythm, not wanting their moment to end. _

_Later, they arrived to a gushing blonde housewife and new mother. They stayed for a week, and every night he made his way from the couch to the guest bedroom, where she was kept, and had his fill. _

"_We have to be quiet, they'll hear." He wanted to say that he didn't care, and he was pretty sure that the husband suspected them, but he complied with her wishes of being as quiet as possible. _

_The sixth day they were there, he walked by the living room to see her sitting on the couch. He turned his head and listened until he heard the sounds of the blonde down the hall, giggling with the husband. _

_Sure that they wouldn't be bothered, he silently entered and came up behind the couch to find her cuddling the sleeping newborn. He bent over and rested his forearms on the back of the furniture as he watched her watch the baby. _

"_We could have this you know." He whispered tentatively to her. She never took her eyes off of the infant as she slowly shook her head. "No." Anger and rejection coursed through him, but he didn't let her see. "Why?"_

"_Because I'm not meant to be a mother. I'm a shinobi who loves the thrill of missions and meeting new people and saving lives. This, like Ino has, I don't want that." He internally frowned. It wasn't like he was going to keep her caged up. "No one said that you had to quit being a shinobi." She sighed. "Yes, but I would feel obligated to, and besides it would be wrong." _

"_Wrong? How so?" She adjusted her hold on the babe as he waited for her reply. _

"_Because we aren't meant to be together."_

However she came up with that notion, he had no clue, but she stuck to it no matter what he did. Feeling clean, and having made the bed after himself, he shuffled into the small kitchen to see that she was almost done making a full lunch with eggs, bacon, sausage, various fruit, and chocolate chip pancakes for her. She was still working on the last one when he came up behind her and placed his hands on her hips. She stiffened slightly but continued with what she was doing.

He ran his nose around her cheek, over her jaw, and down the slope of her neck before resting his chin on her shoulder.

It was moments like these when he felt somewhat at peace.

"So this is it then." He understood what she was saying and immediately wished that she would shut up.

"It doesn't have to be." She sighed before turning off the stove and placing the pancakes on a waiting plate. "Yes it does, I'm not going to let you cheat on her; she is a good girl." He couldn't argue, the girl carrying his child was a good girl.

She just wasn't the _right_ girl.

"I should leave then." She nodded absentmindedly. "Probably." His lips thinned at her detachment. "You can't tell me that it is that easy for you." She turned her head in his direction. "It isn't." He narrowed his eyes. "Then why are you acting like this doesn't affect you?" She looked straight at him without wavering.

"Because I'm trying to keep from falling apart at the seams, Sasuke." Her voice betrayed the emotion that her face did not. He felt a little part of himself tear at the sound. "Why can't you just let yourself be with me?" She bowed her head.

"Are you willing to give up your child to be with me? To let him become a bastard?" No, but that didn't mean that they couldn't be together somehow.

"It is just, I'm not enough, I'm broken Sasuke, and you shouldn't have to settle for a broken person." The tear ripped some more. He looked over at the door and back at her pretty face. He knew that as soon as he stepped through the threshold, that it would be it. No more kisses, no more embraces, or sly glances.

No more sweaty bodies, or desperate moans, or her crying his name, or him whispering hers as he clings to her like his lifeline.

He swallowed, not liking the feeling of making one of the biggest mistakes of his life, but there was nothing he could do about it. He glared at the door. This wasn't an enemy he could fight, or beat until they gave up, and he hated it.

With as much courage as he could muster, he forced his body to turn towards the door, and to pick up his heavy feet till he was before it. Not letting himself pause, he twisted the knob and swung it open. As he was about to step forward, something tugged his hand back, and he turned to be ambushed in the sweetest, most bitter kiss of his life.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her as close as humanly possible, and then he pushed her even closer. After an eternity that ended much too soon, she pulled back, and with her eyes still closed, whispered her words, "I'm going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright." He could only nod as he looked down at her pretty, pretty face.

He leaned in for another kiss, which hopefully would lead to more, but she stepped out of temptation and finally opened her green eyes.

"Goodbye Sasuke."

_They lay by each other after. "Who was it?" She hummed in question to what he was talking about. "Who was the one before me?" She didn't answer right away. "Well, it was right after Jiraiya-sama had died, and I wanted to help him so badly." She laughed shortly. "It was the most awkward, painful and sweetest thirty seconds of my life." He smirked, even as the jealously burned through him. She paused._

"_And then there was Shikimaru." His smirk faded, and his eyes narrowed. "We were on a mission, and it started raining, in the middle of winter. I don't know how that happened, but we were huddling together for warmth, and well, I'm sure even you would have reacted to having a mostly naked, wet girl sticking to you like glue, so I just took advantage of the situation." She shifted restlessly, and turned her head. "gosh, I get all hot just thinking about that night!" His glare darkened, but she turned her head back with a soft smile that made it disappear._

"_And then there was you."_

**Well, that kind of depressed me and I couldn't think of a good ending it was kind of a rambler wasn't it? Well, please review if you could, I would really appreciate it.**


End file.
